Isolation
by HellFenix
Summary: Rating for swearing.not yaoi,yet...may be if you want it to be.Kai's sick and tortured mind is mow exposed!(again)


HellFenix: well, this is going to be interesting. Some of Kai's thoughts on why he's always alone.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Beyblade or any lawyers so I sure hope nobody sues.  
  
~ ISOLATION~  
  
Kai Hiwatari. The loner. That's me. No matter whom I'm with, I just can't seem to open up. I'm not really stuck up or 'grouchy pants' as Tyson and the others may think I am. I just like my solitude, is there anything wrong with that?  
  
What the hell, I'm bull shitting and I guess I can't deny it, at least to myself. I may say I'm alone because I choose to be, because people annoy me. The truth is, I don't know how to relate to anyone.  
  
There are times when the desire to laugh and act like a normal kid is almost overwhelming, but some how, I never give in to it. I remind my self that I'm supposed to stand alone, but usually, I don't believe it.  
  
And that's what scares me, the other times when I really believe that isolation is the only path which destiny has lain before my feet.  
  
Does destiny even exist?  
  
Then again, maybe it does and it is. I've always been told that I am fire. My bitbeast is a phoenix, the lord of fire. Hell, even my eyes are red.  
  
And fire burns all who come too near. I've burnt people.  
  
I still can't believe that they actually got to like me, but I know I hurt the Bladebreakers when I left them for the Demolition Boys and Black Dranzer. Sure I came back, but scars heal slowly, if ever at all.  
  
But screw it! Is that what I really think? Or is it another one of the twisted ideas grafted into my mind by the madman who is my grandfather?  
  
For some one who's supposed to be assertive, I am so damn indecisive sometimes.  
  
And if I'm supposed to be confident, why do I fear trying to talk and open up to anyone else?  
  
Maybe it's because hate can be so much easier to deal with than rejection.  
  
With hatred, you have your own fury to fuel your inner flames, it takes your mind off the pain.  
  
But rejection, rejection leaves no burning passion in its wake. Just emptiness and a pain, which is a dull ache that still cuts through the soul like a knife.  
  
Or maybe I'm afraid that if the others see what I really am, they'll hate me even more. Yeah, I think that would really tear me up. Especially since they already seem to have become attached to the façade I put up.  
  
Like I'm not already. Heh, irony.  
  
So maybe that's why I stay away and aloof. I'm too afraid to take the plunge, take the risk. Let anyone get close. Am I afraid they'll get burnt, or am I afraid I'll get extinguished?  
  
Or do I just not know how too?  
  
Sometimes, I really envy the other Bladebreakers.  
  
Yeah, I can just hear the gasps of shock. But it's the truth, much as I'd hate to admit it.  
  
I envy Tyson for his unbreakable spirit and loyalty to his friends. My spirit either died or was broken too long ago for me to have anything other than the vaguest recollection of it.  
  
I envy Max for his ability to laugh and always see the bright side of things. I may call him a fool, but his is a rare gift in this sick and twisted world.  
  
And I envy Ray for being able to strike the balance between not being some crazy sugar high fool and not being reduced to living in separation forever.  
  
Like me.  
  
This is pathetic, I'm actually wallowing in self pity. This, in fact the entire content of my current contemplations, goes so completely against my training that it makes me wonder if I'm not going soft.  
  
Oh screw, the entire reason I'm like this is because of my damn training.  
  
It's all that damn Voltaire's fault.  
  
Or is it?  
  
Maybe I'm just too weak to face up to the fact that the problem may actually be me so I keep blaming it on my grandfather.  
  
ARGH! MY HEAD IS ONE DAMN FREAKIN MESS!!  
  
I want to follow my training, it's the only thing which I've ever lived for. But at the same time, I can't help but feel that there's so much more to life than achieving perfection.  
  
Like actually having a life.  
  
This all brings me back to my original question: is it so wrong for me to want to be alone?  
  
Except. do I really want to be alone?  
  
~ END~  
  
HellFenix: tahdaah! Finished! Tell me if you want this to be one shot or not, okay? Reviews are greatly appreciated. Oh, and if you're feeling super nice and indulgent, you could go R&R the fic I'm working on with Yami Kururu and lilyflower. Please and thank you! 


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